The Inner Critic in Midlife & The Most Dangerous Word Women Use

I recently returned from celebrating my 60th birthday on safari in Africa with my family, and even now, a month later, I find myself thinking about the experience almost every day.

Of course, there were moments that took our breath away. Watching a lioness and her cubs devour a giraffe was surreal. Seeing elephants move quietly across the landscape with their babies tucked safely in the middle of the herd was something none of us will ever forget. My children were completely immersed in it all, cameras in hand, soaking up every moment, and sharing that experience together as a family made this milestone birthday more meaningful than I ever imagined.

But what has stayed with me most was the opportunity to simply observe life unfolding exactly as it was meant to.

As I watched the animals over those two weeks, I realized something that has been quietly working its way into my heart ever since.

I can say with certainty that none of them spent a moment questioning whether they were doing life "right."

The elephants protected one another. The zebras stayed close to their herd. Rhinos, despite their enormous size and almost armor-like appearance, spent much of their day peacefully grazing, completely unbothered by proving themselves to anyone. Every species had its own rhythm, its own role, its own way of existing.

No comparison.

No striving.

No endless evaluation of whether they should be doing more.

Coming home, I couldn't help but notice how different that feels from the conversations I have with women every single day.

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One word tells me the inner critic is speaking

There is one word I hear over and over again in my coaching conversations, and if I'm honest, it's a word I still catch myself using sometimes, too.

Should.

I should be happier.

I should have figured this out by now.

I should know what I want.

I should stop feeling this way.

I should be grateful.

I should be able to handle this on my own.

For many women, especially those who are thoughtful, accomplished, and deeply caring, "should" becomes the language of the inner critic. It's so familiar that we often don't even recognize it anymore.

Research tells us that women are more likely than men to ruminate, replaying conversations, questioning decisions, and evaluating ourselves long after a situation has passed. Add a major life transition into the mix, children leaving home, aging parents, changes in our careers, our relationships, our bodies, and it's easy to understand why that inner voice suddenly feels much louder.

But here's where I think we've misunderstood it.

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Your inner critic isn’t your enemy

So much of the conversation around the inner critic is about silencing it or getting rid of it altogether.

I don't believe that's possible, and I don't believe it's actually what we need.

I've come to think of the inner critic as a part of us that developed to keep us safe. It scans constantly for disappointment, rejection, embarrassment, failure, anything that might threaten our sense of belonging or security.

Its intentions are actually quite loving – well, let’s go with protective.

Its methods, however, are often outdated and exhausting.

The problem is that it doesn't know the difference between genuine danger and the discomfort that naturally comes with growth. So whenever we're considering something unfamiliar, whether it's changing careers, setting a boundary, leaving a relationship, starting something new, or simply admitting that the life we've built no longer fits the person we're becoming, it sounds the alarm.

But not necessarily because we're making a mistake. It’s usually just because uncertainty feels unsafe.

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Why it gets louder in midlife

It's not a coincidence that so many women begin struggling with self-doubt during midlife.

Earlier in life, there’s often a roadmap in front of us. We move from school into careers, from relationships into marriage, perhaps into motherhood, checking off milestones that society tells us matter.

Then one day, often in our forties, fifties, or sixties, we realize there’s no map! And we begin asking entirely different questions.

Who am I now?

What do I actually want?

What brings me joy?

How do I want to spend this next chapter of my life?

Those questions don't come with obvious answers, and our inner critic doesn't particularly like uncertainty.

I've watched many women, myself included at one time, respond by trying to become even more prepared. They earn another degree. They collect another certification. They keep gathering knowledge, hoping that once they know enough, they'll finally feel confident.

But guess what I’ve learned? Confidence rarely comes from accumulating more information. 

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A different conversation

The inner critic doesn't soften because we yell back at it. (Believe me, I've tried.)

I've criticized myself for being self-critical. I've wondered what was wrong with me. I've become frustrated that I wasn't "over it" yet.

None of that helped.

What has helped is learning to meet that part of myself with compassion instead of judgment.

Sometimes I ask what it's afraid of.

Sometimes I reassure her that we'll figure this out together.

One helpful trick, and a tool I use with clients, is to imagine your inner critic as a separate character from yourself, not because it isn't part of you, but because it reminds you that it isn't all of who you are.

We can acknowledge its concerns without handing it the steering wheel.

What Africa reminded me

As I think back on those days in Africa, I realize the lesson was about remembering that there’s wisdom in living according to our nature rather than constantly measuring ourselves against someone else's expectations.

Somewhere along the way, so many of us learned that our value comes from achievement, productivity, comparison, and self-sacrifice. We learned to critique ourselves before anyone else had the chance.

Nature doesn't seem to work that way.

The herds survive because they’ve adapted and evolved to do so. Each animal contributes what it was designed to contribute. There is no prize for being the busiest zebra or the most accomplished elephant.

Perhaps that's why this trip has stayed with me so deeply.

As I completed my sixtieth year around the sun, I found myself caring even less about all the arbitrary milestones I've spent years measuring myself against, and a little more about connection, presence, family, and the calm confidence that comes from simply becoming more of who I already am.

The next time you notice yourself saying "I should...", I hope you'll pause before believing it.

Try asking, "What is this part of me trying to protect?" and “What’s also true that supports my growth right now?”

That one small shift can begin to change your relationship with your inner critic. And over time, it can change your relationship with yourself.

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***If you enjoyed this blog post, I'd love to have you along for the journey.

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And if your inner critic has been especially loud lately, or you're navigating a season of transition and would like support, click on my scheduling link above. I'd be happy to connect and see if a conversation might be helpful.